"Many Bothans died to bring us this information..." Well, maybe they weren't very good spies then, were they, Professor Failbot?

I saw a car wrecked on the side of the road, but the blinding force of joy and ultimate cumulation of Schadenfreude emanating from my magnificent smile that causes rainbows and unicorns to hide their faces in shame made me drive right past him. Besides, I doubt he would've wanted to listen to me laugh at him while trying to help. My desire to be a good person is dwarfed only by my undying hatred for the occupants of the freeway, even the innocent ones.

Men and women are different creatures. Though we're both (technically) humans, we're very different from one another. And rather than expend gratuitious amounts of mental energy trying to figure out why we're so different (Ki), I just lazily accept that things are the way they are and move on. And while women have a lot going for them, I have to say that one amazing reason to be a man is simply just being able to stroke your beard. Few things are as satisfying as sitting around with a beard like the guys on ZZ top, the amish farmer or Santa Claus and raking your fingers through it while reminiscing on the meaning of life. Ladies, want a great way to eliminate stress from your life? Grow a beard. It will cut all guys out of your life AND give you a surefire way to just relax in the evening. "Problems? Stroke a beard." Catch-phrase is patent pending. (Ki: I do not mock your intelligence nor vigorous study of all things, including Social Psychology. If I had kids, I'd do the same thing)

Work is funny. A lot of people don't like having to shred the garbage in the back of Lab, but I actually enjoy doing it. It's kinda fun throwing tons of garbage bags onto a conveyor, let them slip slowly into a giant bowl that resembles the Kraken's Maw and watching the jaws of steel gnash up the bags in under two seconds. When I stand on top of the ladder, I pretend I'm tossing bound and gagged infidel prisoners onto a torture device before being messily devoured by my heinous pet creature while their screams form a macabre symphony of the night for me to dance to. It's very rewarding. No pun intended for comparing people to garbage.

If I had the money, I'd have a fish tank the size of a football field in which I'd keep my pet Kraken. I'd name him 'Cthulu Fthagn', or just 'Legs' for short. Feeding would be a bitch, but raising cattle is easy, right? His tank would be right next to Japeth the singing Goat "An avalanche is coming and I do not feel prepar-r-r-red" and the bamboo hut that houses the attack-squad of Killer Koala Bears armed with tiny rapiers.

Oh, and for the record: when you're at work and you threaten to stab your roommate in the face with a pair of scissors, make sure your co-workers know that he, in fact, is your roommate. It makes the situation marginally less awkward.

And when the room-Operator tells you not to put your head in the Bowl during a run, for Gods sake, DON'T DO IT.

If I Had A Million Dollars...

... I'd sucker punch Miley Cyrus right in the f*#$%in' eye, then use the 999,991 dollars on a lawyer to counter the subsequent suing-of-my-ass case for assault.

Then I'd use the remaining tidbits of cash to take her out on a cheap date by way of apology. Burger and fries good enough for you?!

When in the bathroom, I tugged the TP a bit too hard and it unrolled onto the floor. Unbeknownst to me, a lil fuzzy spider was chillin' there, minding his own business and probably got stuck up in the paper when I grabbed it. To this day, I can honestly say that I wiped my ass with a spider once. Take that ya home-invading little wanker.

Drivers are bad. Plain and simple. There are no good drivers. Just bad and worse drivers. Most people probably don't deserve their license anymore, having grown too damn lax over the years without caveat for safety or their own fuggin' mortality. Having conveniently forgetten all the rules they painstakingly learned to get their license in the first place, they now mock the very system that drivers use these days by doing whatever they damn well please.

I honestly can't tell if it's honest-to-goodness fucking stupidity, or if it's just a lack of awareness of their own mortality. Either way, anytime God wants to rip the roads out of the earth and watch the morons other drivers flounder about helplessly without law or the machine to tell them what to do, He's game to do so.

Or maybe I'm just a vindictive asshole that wishes ill of the entire human race. I don't even know.

...

I abhor the internet. That is all.