Ascension - A peek into the mind of a Flake

You.

Yes, you.

Come here for a moment.

Tell me, do you believe in Fate? No, of course not. I mean who does these days? How about God? Does the thought of the Almighty frighten you, or is it the possibility of higher life? I'd attest to you my friend, watch thine ass. Why would I surmise these words to you, well.... It's quite simple really. I am certain of higher life. Oh?

Because I've seen it.

Sit down, friend, I'm going to share with you a tale. Nay, a story about something that you may not believe. I've shared this with many people in the world today, and some have said what I will tell you is impossible. Some have called me crazy. Others have said I do cocaine. But what these philistines do not understand is the utmost seriousness of my story. One thing that I will tell you right now, is that everything I am going to tell you is true.

Years ago, in a college much like the one down the street from your house, there existed a group of young crazy men. Sounds a bit too familiar, right? There occurred within this group peculiar rituals, some of which include watching cartoons til the dead hours of the night, or traveling to Arby’s to separate foil from the plastic. There was a man named Jake, and a man named James. The two of them partook of a ritual practiced by many in this day and age, the art that is Caffeine consumption. Most people, bah, 2 or 3 drinks and they act silly. They know when to stop, for they have self-control! Plus they are wussies. For is it not man's indomitable spirit to abuse his body as much as possible while trying to maintain his sanity?

I say unto you, sanity is overrated.

Jake and James believed this to be so, and consumed many a day caffeinated beverages, enjoying the sugary rush that comes with it. One night, there occurred a consumption too many, and the two men were overcome with a vision, no, AN ENTITY! Of biblical proportions. Transfixed, there, before their VERY eyes, behold! A great beast of untapped power! It was a man! No, it was a Lion Man, a large two legged beast wearing a kilt and carrying a great ax. And his words could be heard, echoing throughout the room in a magnificent clarity, threatening to execute the two men if they ever spoke of his presence.

This of course forced the words "wtf" from Jake and James, as this ordeal made abso-f*ggin-lutely no sense.

This being, Jake was convinced, was a Higher Life Form! And if consuming abhorrent amounts of caffeine would allow one to see the entity, perhaps drinking even MORE of it would allow them to join that dimension of existence!

Jake and James thus began their long and ardorous journey to find that caffeined Nirvana, that dimension of reality where your blood was replaced with sugar and unadultered energy source was at your every whim and desire.

They met with failure, time after time. Consuming such amounts of liquid was hard on their minds and even harder on their bladders, but they did not give up. Many people called them fools. But this, only fueled the desire, nay, the NEED to find this.

I speak of these wills as much as they were my own... Because they were. Yes my friend. I am Jake. I am he who sought the impossible, he who craved what cannot be touched, who chugged that which should not be chugged. I did not give up in my conquest for that unholy state of mind, a condition that, one dark night...

I found.

It was a Friday night. A bright full moon adorned the sky as the werewolves hunted their prey. Most people were out having a social life, but not I. Some friends and I had gathered around in someones room to have a few drinks and play a few games. It started out as innocent fun, until someone suggested a drinking game. Crash Team Racing... Mario Kart... Halo... All these mad multi-player mayhem matches separated the men from the boys, the strong from the weak, the insanely idiotic from the self-controlled.

Drink after drink went down. A few passed out from their sugary inebriation. Others were smart and called it quits and went home. James and I were determined to reach our goal, and had been consuming mountain dews, rockstars, Surge's, and other such caffeinated cups of purity throughout the night. As the night waxed old, James did pass out under the pressure of his bladder and called it quits, but I; I continued! I perservered! Something in me kept pushing those cans up, drinking, growing, reaching, stretching, chugging more and more as can after can hit the floor! The sugary liquid burned its way down my throat as my attention span grew shorter and shorter and my bladder grew fatter and fatter, but the drinks, they kept going! The strength kept coming, until, at one moment, my feet buckled, my legs, they refused to work as a darkness tried to overtake me, I fell! I tried to fight away the black tentacles, the overwhelming madness that threatened to harvest my soul and cast me off into Oblivion! ...

Until...

I opened my eyes, and found the strength to stand. I looked around for a moment... I peeked out the window... I watched a car drive by, a person walking down the street, a bird defecating in mid-flight... All in perfect slow motion. Their movements were like liquid poetry. And then I knew...

I had reached the state of Pure Caffeination.

I left the room and walked the roads of the world, taking in all. My emotions, my instincts, the sights, the sounds were all being fed directly into my brain. And for once, one beautiful sweet moment, the entire world made sense! I knew all!

I knew and understood the dichotomy of good and evil.

I knew why up was up and down was down.

I understood women.

I understood the atomic theory.

I understood why people feel the need to drive stupidly fast everywhere they go.

I understood why dogs chased cats.

Why cats chased birds.

Why birds crap on windshields.

Why people who hate RP servers are such hypocritical morons.

Why the Irish enjoy drinking themselves to death.

Why history repeats.

Why everyone of every color is racist and too uptight to notice.

Why emo-ness seems to take over people when life is so good to them.

How our minds work, how our bodies work.

Why green means go and red means stop.

Why people tell you to hold it in in public.

Why there is Braille on drive-thru ATMs.

Why Thom hates bikers.

I KNEW EVERYTHING.

The world in all it's mysterious and wonders and confusions and all the whys and the when's and the where's, I understood them all! I had achieved what no one believed I could. I had reached the next realm of existence...

Unfortunately it didn't last long as I woke up at my friend David's apartment on his couch with no pants on and he, nor his roommates unable to explain how I had gotten in.

You think I’m joking, but I’m not.

Nevertheless, though I am unable to ascertain as to how my drunken stupor lead me into my friend's place, and though I did overhear a while later something about a broken window, the moments of my ascension into that caffeinated Nirvana are embedded in my memory forever. I will never forget those moments of crystal clarity, as I knew my existence and all my dealings up to that point had been for naught.

And now, I must bid you adieu.

Hmm?

What is the meaning of Life, you ask?

Well... Let me just say this:

Live your life with no regrets, always smile, and have faith. Faith in whatever you believe, and maybe, when the day comes that we meet again, you can tell me.